As most of you long-time readers already know, the combination of Parkinson's Disease and a couple of strokes, a few years back, have left me with numerous physical limitations. People, who know me well, may also contend that my mental capacity is somewhat suspect, but I'm not convinced that has anything to do with any neurological malfunction. I happen to believe that most people are a little bit crazy when you get right down to brass tacks. But it's not something I'm willing to point out or get into arguments most of the time. I'm simply confessing to the condition.
On the other hand, I do have one aggravating physical limitation that sometimes causes me to question the sanity of what other people are going through, mentally, when they go about doing stuff that makes absolutely resemblance to common sense.
Usually when I'm wearing khakis, or any fabric of pants that are not made of heavy denim, I can shake my feet a couple of times and my pants legs will fall down far enough that I can step on cuff or hem, with one heel or the other, and slide them right off, with no problem, without using my hands to do anything except pick them up and get them out of the way.
The problem is that I love to wear jeans and no amount of foot shaking will make them fall far enough, off my ankles, for me to grab the bottoms with my opposite foot. I can usually manage to maneuver my right hand onto the ankle of my left foot but it is physically impossible for me to get either hand onto my right foot without getting down on the floor and going through contortions.
Sometimes, when I go to bed early, Loretta will come in and ask why I still have my pants on. I tell her that I couldn't get them off and she'll have to help me. Go ahead and laugh. My wife does and, as frustrating as it is, I usually have to chuckle, myself.
However, I don't laugh at myself, nearly as much as I've been laughing at other grown men, lately, when I observe one of the, apparently, latest trends in slavery to fashion.
More than half a dozen times, last week, I was in the parking lots of Richmond's two largest, big-box stores while my wife was inside them taking inventory, (she calls it shopping), when I saw grey haired men wearing what I consider to be impossibly narrow legged, white jeans.
These pants were so tight and form-fitting that it appeared like varicose veins were showing through them, as well as very knobby, knee bones. The combined effect made their shoes and feet appear to be several sizes larger than I believe they actually were. On the other hand, it may be that some skinny old men are actually running around Richmond wearing size 25 footwear that need outboard motors mounted on the back end.
I was so curious, about these observations, that I went home and Googled subjects like "men's skinny pants", "peg-leg jeans", "men's latest fashion trends", etc. As far as I can tell, it's not something, thank you Lord, that's destined to be the latest fashion craze.
Of course, I'm one of those people who are still confused as to why teenage boys thought it was cool to wear droopy drawer pants and show off their underwear below their bony little, buttless bottoms. I still have no idea how they went, and a few still go, about holding their pants up. I assume duct tape is involved. I also assume they actually wanted folks to be disgusted. It worked for me.
I admit that I'm relatively, size 11, big footed. I don't believe it would be possible for me to get some of the jeans, I've seen lately, over my feet and I know, for sure, I'd never be able to pull them off if I did.
I would be yelling for my wife to come and help me.
"Please come in here, Honey, and bring your sharpest scissors. I need you to cut me out of my britches!"