’Twas the night before Fiscal Cliff, and throughout the land,
Democrats, Republicans were taking a stand.
Their positions unwavering, intractably firm,
With donkey-like stubbornness or entrenched pachyderm.
But the public were hopeful all snug in their beds,
With visions of compromise alive in their heads.
“Come on!” said the people in frustrated dismay.
“Abandon this meaningless partisan fray.”
When Obama and Boehner finally met,
Their first thoughts were not of a country in debt.
And Obama, the chief, said to Boehner “Oh crap!
I’d rather depart for a nice winter’s nap.”
“I know,” sighed Boehner “I’ve plenty to do,
Was planning to take a vacation or two.”
“Never mind,” said the Prez, “we’ll just keep delaying,
Who cares what the grumbling public are saying.”
But out in the blogosphere there arose such a clatter,
The people revolted, resolving this matter:
“There’s only one way to deal with such fools
Obama and Boehner must settle by duel.”
“No way!” said Obama, “I’m renowned for my peace.
“With a medal of proof on my lounge mantlepiece.”
“I agree” cried Boehner, not eager to battle,
And caught the first plane heading out to Seattle.
“Come back,” yelled the people, “we demand this by right,
You’ve had chances to talk, now you settle this fight.”
But the pair, reunited, were far from impressed,
As the thought of a duel made them rather depressed.
As he pondered alternative White House residents,
Obama now saw why we have the vice presidents.
Quick thinking, as always, to Biden he beckoned,
“Get over here Joe, and I’ll make you my second.”
“Now Joe I expect you’ll appear around dawn,
To face off with Boehner on the White House’s lawn.”
“Yeah right!” smiled old Joe, “Would love to assist,
I ain’t packing no pistol – what if I missed?”
And then, in a twinkling, Obama’s next step,
Was to call up more buddies, to be his next rep.
“Now Pelosi! Now Clinton! Now Durbin and Reid!
But all vanished from Washington with notable speed.
“Oh dear,” mused Obama, “now what shall I do?”
So he phoned up Boehner for a quick rendezvous.
“My friend, we are beaten, let’s abandon aggression.”
“Agreed,” said the Speaker, “it’s time for concession.”
So they sprang into action, both recommending,
Adding some taxes and cutting some spending.
Then I heard them exclaim, “We’ve reached a consensus!
Good-bye Fiscal Cliff, we’ve come to our senses.”
(Thomas’ features and columns have appeared in more than 250 magazines and newspapers, including the Washington Post, LA Times, Chicago Tribune, Boston Globe, San Francisco Chronicle, and Christian Science Monitor. He can be reached at email@example.com).
’Twas the night before Fiscal Cliff, and throughout the land,
The case of the ghostly neighbor
Wilbur lived in a world of fears. Everything frightened him. The full extent of his courage was to admit that he had none.
Noises in the middle of the night, his own shadow creeping up on him and, most of all, black cats scared the wits out of him.
So, picture his chagrin, one day, when he came home from vacation only to discover that a mausoleum had been erected on property adjacent to his home.
Provisional concealed-carry law passes Senate unanimously
Things are staying busy in Frankfort. Many bills are making their way onto the Senate floor from various committees. This past week several important pieces of legislation were debated and passed.
I am particularly proud of the success we had in advocating for Kentuckians’ Second Amendment rights.
I introduced Senate Bill 106 to allow anyone who has been granted an emergency protective or domestic violence order to receive a provisional CCDW permit from the Kentucky State Police in one business day. In some of these cases, victims need this type of protection as quickly as possible.
50 years makes a world of difference
I wasn’t in Frankfort on March 5, 1964, when Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Ralph Abernathy, and Jackie Robinson led 10,000 on a march to the state Capitol in support of a public accommodations law.
But a few months later, I stood in front of the “Music Hall,” site of the Glasgow Junior High School located on a street named Liberty, and watched black kids “walk up the hill” of College Street on the first day of integrated schools in Glasgow.
Coal has kept Kentuckians warm this winter
This winter, temperatures across the country dipped to historic lows. Here in our home state of Kentucky, the near-arctic climate caused increased power demand which resulted in an incredible strain on the electric grid and rising energy costs.
Protecting citizens’ data is a no-brainer
Target Corp. is learning the hard way: The price is steep for retailers who don’t protect customers’ sensitive financial information.
Target’s profits fell a whopping 50 percent during its fourth quarter of 2013 as the result of a massive security breach involving as many as 110 million of its customers’ credit- and debit-card accounts, which began the day before Thanksgiving and extended throughout much of the holiday shopping season.
Making plans for spring planting
My brother Keith (Keeter) probably planted peas on one of those warm days last week, and I would not be at all surprised to find out that brother Steve did likewise to try to be the first two fellows in Letcher County to actually be digging the soil in their 2014 gardens.
Keeter’s father-in-law, the late Dock Mitchell, used to get my brother to drive him a 50-mile round trip to get pea seeds and potting soil for early February planting. Dock raised mammoth melting sugar snow peas and sugar snaps around every fence on the place.
Cynicism, optimism both on display in Frankfort
Those who spend little time in Kentucky’s Capitol and who read columns by cynics who cover it should be forgiven their disillusionment about how the people’s business is conducted.
Even Scrooge would enjoy library mystery
Saturday afternoons and evenings are usually down time for Loretta and me.
We simply don’t get out much after we’ve used up the movie gift certificates the kids gave us for Christmas. That means we mostly go to the movies to avoid guilt trips because our kids do work hard for their money.
Funding education is critical for Kentucky and its communities
Kentucky’s latest budget outline makes it clear that our leaders in Frankfort plan to go to great lengths to find more money for education. For communities throughout the commonwealth, this effort to restore funds for our schools is very welcomed news.
Who benefits from ‛AT&T Bill’
Senate Bill 99, the “AT&T Bill,” is a great deal for the telecommunications giants AT&T, Windstream and Cincinnati Bell.
It would allow them to abandon their least profitable customers and service areas as well as public protection obligations. But it is a risky and potentially dangerous bet for Kentuckians. Kentucky House members should turn it down.
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