Published: July 09, 2009 07:55 am      

Marilyn Monroe never sang to me

The Republican governor of South Carolina probably should have a talk with former Kentucky Democrat governor Paul Patton.

Paul might be able to offer some tips on dealing with the extramarital affair recently disclosed after South Carolina’s chief executive vanished for over five days.

“Hiking the Appalachian Trail” was the original explanation, but the hike extended to Argentina and the mistress waiting there.

Paul only went to western Kentucky.

It’s sort of good to watch the Republicans squirm about the sex, lies and affairs for a change. I was beginning to think the Democrats had an exclusive on the steamier side of politics.

Somehow, most of the politicians who get caught with their pants down manage to survive, though Paul Patton lost out on his plans to run for the U.S. Senate and John Edwards fizzled quickly as a presidential candidate. Bill Clinton is still a huge name in world politics.

For many decades we looked the other way as politicians like Franklin D. Roosevelt and Dwight Eisenhower dallied with women who weren’t their wives, and John F. Kennedy’s alleged womanizing seemed to actually enhance his appeal to voters. Marilyn Monroe’s seductive singing of “Happy Birthday” is a classic piece of Kennedy memorabilia.

Lyndon Johnson probably never turned down a chance to dally around, at least until he was slowed by a heart attack.

Richard Nixon, to my knowledge, was never accused of any extra-marital affairs, nor was Gerald Ford, the first divorced and remarried president. Jimmy Carter admitted to lusting in his heart but not in real life. Ronald Reagan just said, “No.”

Or was that Nancy?

Both of the Bush presidents seem to have clean records as far as women go, but “W” may have been too stoned to perform during his earlier years.

At any rate, all such activity was kept quiet until recent years, probably until after Nixon’s Watergate scandal when the press finally stopped being cooperative with powerful politicians. Now any candidate or elected official should be aware of the constant scrutiny, but lots of them obviously still think they’re above the law or the reality that they will eventually get caught.

They still plunge into sexual affairs outside marriage while maintaining the squeaky clean public image of being devoted family men. Some do get away unrevealed, but it’s getting harder and harder to keep such secrets.

Any public figure eventually will be exposed for anything they do that’s not in keeping with the position, from tax evasion to employing illegal aliens to maintaining a mistress.

Or a mister, for that matter.

These days we can’t always assume the illicit liaison is with a member of the opposite sex.

Especially where politicians are concerned.

Ordinary people don’t get the media blitz for their extramarital affairs, which is probably one reason lots of people don’t ever run for an elected office.

Not everybody wants to have his or her past, good and bad, inspected by the whole world.

Not me.

But I can assure you that Marilyn Monroe never sang to me.

Garry Barker is the author of Head of the Holler: Volume 1, from Wind Publications. Order at http://windpub.com/books/HeadOfTheHoller.htm or from Amazon.com.