The Richmond Register

October 8, 2012

YES! I’m a proud Southerner

By Dick Ham
Register Columnist


I was just thinking the other day about the fact that I’ve always considered myself to be a Southerner. As I was growing up, I never remember my family to consider ourselves to be from the north. My extended family are all Kentuckians and they are “dyed in the wool” Southerners. I grew up in Louisville and we often referred to those Northerners or Yankees who lived just across the Ohio river in Indiana.

With that in mind, here are some characteristics of real Southerners.

We certainly understand that our vacation spots are: the beach, the rivuh and the crick.

Southerners know everybody’s first name: Honey, Darlin’ Shugah.  We know the movies that really grabbed our hearts: “Fried Green Tomatoes,” “Driving Miss Daisy,” “Steel Magnolias,”  and “Gone With the wind.”  Southerners know about religions, Bapdiss,  Methdiss, Cathlick, and Football. We know which of our cities are dripping with Southern charm: Chawl’stn, S’vanah, Foat Wuth, N’awlins, and Addlanna.  Southerners recognize elegant gentlemen: Men in uniform, Men in tuxedos, and Rhett Butler.  Southern girls recognize prime real estate: The Mall, The Country Club, and The Beauty Salon.  Southern girls also know the 3 deadly sins: Bad hair and nails, Bad manners, and Cooking Bad food.  Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “ HAVE” them you” PITCH” them. Southerners are the only  ones who know how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, soup beans, etc., make up “a mess.”  Southerners are the only ones who can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”  Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, as in – “Going to town, be back directly.”   Southern babies know that “Gimmie some sugar” is not a request for the white stuff that sits in a pretty bowl on the kitchen table.

Only Southerners know the difference between “right near” and a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road,” can be 1 mile or 20.  No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal will actually make a turn.  A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be a noun, a verb, or an adverb.  In the South “y’all” is singular, “all y’all” is plural.  True Southerners say, “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for lots of sugar.  “Sweet milk” means we don’t want buttermilk.

True Southerners know you don’t scream at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. We just say, “Bless her sweet little heart.”  There is no magazine named “Northern Living” for good reason. Nobody is interested in living up north and no one would buy that magazine. If you are a Northern transplant, “Bless your heart,” We know you got here as fast as you could. 


The major city on the Mississippi River that is named for King Louis IX of France is St. Louis, Missouri.  Louis IX was also canonized by the Catholic church.


Passengers aboard the” Tweetsie Railroad” are in what state?


Common sense has become so rare that it has almost become like a Superpower.