The Richmond Register

May 5, 2014

Puns are good to check our minds

By Dick Ham
Register Columnist

RICHMOND — I was just thinking the other day about puns.

Those have always been fascinating to me, and as I think back, my fascination began when I was in High School. I had a teacher at Louisville Male High named Harrell Teague. He was a graduate of Yale University and was one of the most popular teachers at Male High.

The first day for any of his classes he explained that we would have a daily test. That would consist of one question related to the assignment from the previous period. He wouldn’t permit anyone to call it a “pop quiz” because we had been told to expect it.

As class began, he would say, “Take out a half sheet of paper,” and then give us the question.

After an adequate amount of time, he would walk up and down the aisles between the desks chanting, “Uh, one, two three; uh pass them in to me; uh, one two three uh pass them in to me.”

My reason for mentioning Mr. Teague is that he enjoyed puns and made up a lot of them himself. I wish I could remember some of them. He would often leave us with a pun as we left his classroom. We would talk with each other trying to figure them out as we went to our next class.

Here are some puns I’ve gathered that I like, and I hope my readers do, too.

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

Visiting an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to a litter of puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off grass.’

A dwarf fortune teller escaped from prison and became a small medium at large.

A soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray and is now a seasoned veteran.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Two fish swam into a concrete wall. One turned to the other and said, “Dam.”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

A Buddhist refused novocain during a root-canal. His goal was: transcend dental medication.

An individual sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


The movie where Dean Jones played a convicted Watergate burglar who became a devout Christian was “Born Again” the story of Charles Colson.


What famous four-word phrase was first used in York, Pa., 1777?


If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.