The Richmond Register

April 22, 2013

Old husbands can be a sorry lot

Just Thinking

By Dick Ham
Register Columnist

RICHMOND — I was just thinking the other day and remembering the Blondie comic strip and seeing Dagwood after a losing discussion with Blondie.

Dagwood would put his left arm on a table, lay his head on that arm, and pound the table with his right fist, while saying, “Husbands are a sorry lot.”

Those of us who are husbands identify with that, and it only gets worse as we grow older.

A police officer pulled over a speeding car. The officer said, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”

The driver, a 75 year old man said, “Gee, officer, I had my cruise control set at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

The man’s wife, sitting alongside him, did not look up from her knitting but said, “Now don’t be silly dear, you know this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer was writing the ticket, the driver looked at his wife and growled, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”

The wife smiled and replied, “Well dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or you would have been going even faster.”

The officer began to make out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector and the man once again growled at his wife and said, “Woman, keep your mouth shut.”

The officer then frowned and said, “Sir, I also notice you are not wearing your seatbelt. That is an automatic fine.”

The man answered, “Well, you see officer, I had it on but I had to take it off to get my driver’s license out of my back pocket.”

The wife then said, “Now dear, you know very well you didn’t have your seatbelt on. You never wear it when you’re driving.”

As the officer was writing out the third ticket, the man turned to his wife and yelled, “Will you please shut up?”

The officer looked over at the wife and asked, “Does your husband always talk that way to you?”

She answered, “Only when he’s been drinking.”

One morning, just after awaking, an elderly lady said to her husband, “I had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think that means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he said.

He came home that evening and presented her with a small package. She was so delighted, but when she opened it she found a book entitled, “The Meaning of Dreams.”

On the way home from their 50th wedding anniversary celebration, the wife noticed a tear in her husband’s eye. She asked if he was getting sentimental about their 50 wonderful years together.

He replied, “No, not really. I was remembering the time right before we got married when your father threatened me with a shotgun. He caught me kissing you, you were 17 and I had just turned 18.

He told me he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. He scared me half to death, so of course I married you.

I was just thinking … tomorrow I would’ve been a free man.”

TRIVIA ANSWER – Jimmy Durante signed off with “Good night Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.”

TRIVIA QUESTION – Taos, New Mexico, has the home and grave of what noted pioneer and scout?

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY – The grass may be greener on the other side, but both sides still need to be mowed.