By Dick Ham
I was just thinking the other day about a lady who passed away not too long ago and who helped make this world a happier place.
Phyllis Diller was one of my all-time favorite comediennes. She was funny, even at times when she didn’t intend to be funny.
The following are sayings that she left with us,. I hope my readers enjoy them as much as I do.
“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance.”
“Cleaning your house while your kids are growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”
“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”
“The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”
“The best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”
“Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.”
“We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 years telling them to sit down and shut up.”
“Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.”
“You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.”
“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”
“I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband. How about short and cheap?”
“My photographs don’t do me justice — they just look like me.”
“There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.”
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
“Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle — keep away from children.”
“The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.”
I asked the waiter, ”Is this milk fresh?” He said, “Lady, three hours ago it was grass.”
“Old age is when the liver spots show through our gloves.”
“You know you are old if they have discontinued your blood type.”
The southern state that was known as the “Land of the Four C’s” referring to its four Indian tribes, (Cherokee, Creek, Chickasaw and Choctaw) is Alabama.
What event began a world-changing communications revolution in America on Aug. 20, 1920?
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
To make your dream come true, you have to stay awake.