The Richmond Register

April 9, 2013

Here’s some good advice for seniors

By Dick Ham
Register Columnist

RICHMOND — I was just thinking the other day about some things I’ve gathered that provide “valuable” advice for those who are seniors.

A housekeeping tip: Always keep several get-well cards on the mantlepiece. That way, if unexpected guests arrive, they’ll think you’ve been sick and unable to clean.

Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others come along, and we want to leave footprints on their face.

When cooking, we should be sure to use the four food groups. Canned, boxed, bagged and frozen.

When we think about marriage, we believe it is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

When you feel like throwing in the towel, remember what that means — more laundry.

We have discovered that at our age, rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off the floor is another story.

Ladies, when you wake up in the morning and there are no wrinkles in sight, the house looks spotless, the garden looks lovely and your grumpy husband looks like George Clooney, determine that you will never put your glasses on again.

Remember that your friends are not necessarily stupid, they may just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.

Whatever life throws at you, duck so it will hit someone else.

We can remember words if songs from our youth, but can’t remember why we came into a room.

A TEXT CODE FOR SENIORS!

ATD – At the doctors.

BFF – Best friend fell.

BTW – Bring the wheelchair.

BYOT - Bring your own teeth.

FWTW – Forgot where I was.

GHA – Got heartburn again.

IMHO – Is my hearing-aid on?

LMDO - Laughing my dentures out.

TTYL – Talk to you louder.

You know you’re getting older when the current vintage look includes clothing items that you still have hanging in your closet.

Whatever you do, don’t let your age get you down; it’s just too hard to get up again.

Experience lets us make new mistakes instead of just repeating the old ones.

Two neighbors were locked in an ongoing feud, and finally decided to take their case to court. When they both appeared before the judge, they were arguing who should go first with her side of the story. “All right,” said the Judge, “I’ll hear the oldest person first.” The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

Trivia answer

The event that began a world-changing communications revolution in America on August 20, 1920 was the first commercial radio broadcast.

Trivia question

What special nickname did a southern state earn because it sent so many to fight in the War of 1812?

Thought for the day

Some people will never live to be as old as they look.