The Richmond Register

March 19, 2013

Yes! Old Folks are funny

My readers will enjoy

By Dick Ham
Register Columnist

RICHMOND — I was just thinking the other day about things, mainly about those of us who are old, that I believe my readers will enjoy.

A elderly man was driving erratically at 2 a.m. and was stopped by a police officer. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer said, “Really! Who is giving a lecture like that at this time of night?” The man answered, “That would be my wife.”

An older lady shopping at at a big-box store was in the check-out line. The cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to register a serious complaint to the store manager, she did as she had been instructed to do. When all the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, she discovered that the cashier had referred to her credit card. The lady has been requested to shop elsewhere in the future. Perhaps instructions to seniors need to be made more clearly.

Vincent van Gogh was a very famous painter who lived in the Netherlands in the latter part of the 19th century. He produced many outstanding paintings. It has been reported that many were of his relatives.

These included his dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh; his brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh; a brother who worked in a convenience store, Stop’N Gogh; his grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh; a magician uncle, Where-diddy Gogh; his nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wells-far Gogh.

There also was a ballroom dancing aunt, Tang Gogh; the bird-lover uncle, Flamin Gogh; an aunt who taught positive thinking, Way-to-Gogh, a little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh, a sister who loved disco, Go Gogh, a brother with low back pain, Lum Bay Gogh, his niece who travels around the country in an RV,  Winnie Bay Gogh

How many of you wonder, as I do, who in the world dreams up things like that?

An old Indian, when informed about daylight saving time, asked, “Who but the government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket?”

An old lady, when leaving her church one Sunday morning, said to her minister, “Your sermon this morning was wonderful. I wish you would have your sermons printed so we could take them home and study them.”

The minister replied, “Thank you for your kind words. I do have plans to have many of my sermons published posthumously.”

“Oh, that is such good news,” she said, “The sooner the better.”

Trivia answer

No one knows what the word Hoosier means when used to describe residents of Indiana or where it came from.

Trivia question

What humid southern city calls itself “The City that Care Forgot?

Thought for the day

It’s easy to tell who your friends are, they are the ones who know all your faults but are willing to be seen with you anyway.