The Richmond Register

January 21, 2014

Funny things happen to old folks

By Dick Ham
Register Columnist


I was just thinking the other day about some recent stories of the funny things that happen to those of us who are old. Have any of these happened to you?

An elderly lady was in the express checkout lane at the grocery store. Another lady in the line in front of her had completely ignored the rule with a buggy literally running over with purchases. Imagine the lady’s delight when the cashier beckoned the lady with the full cart to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “Which 10 of these items would you like to buy?”

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I only wish that happened everyday. I’ve been told by a manager that they don’t question shoppers for fear of making someone angry. My question for him was, “What about me, it makes me very angry when I must wait unnecessarily. Don’t I count?”

An elderly man, on his deathbed gasped pitifully to his wife, “Give me one last request, dear.” he said.

“Of course, John,” his wife said sweetly.

“Six months after I die,” John said, I want you to marry Bob.”

“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.

With his last breath John said, “I do.”

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the lady replied, “Just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked “NO REFILLS.”

Mrs. Walker’s doctor put her on a new diet to help her lose weight and avoid foods that are bad for her. She can eat anything she wants as long as she takes one bite and, if it tastes good, she must spit it out.

A health-care expert was addressing a large group of seniors.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode the lining of your stomach. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me which food causes us the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75 year old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said, “Wedding cake.”


The Kentucky city that is second only to New York City in it’s number of nineteenth-century stone and cast-iron buildings is Louisville.


In 1952 what Western Kentucky University quarterback was named an All-American?


You know you’re getting old when you begin to wish rocking chairs were battery operated.