Published: May 06, 2008 07:37 am         

What’s your question about nursing homes?

Question: My mother lives in a nursing home and is probably in her last days. What can I do for her? 

Answer: Folks who know a lot about this tell us that you should continue to talk with your mother just like you always have. No one knows for sure when people no longer hear what is going on around them. Tell her that you love her and that you are doing everything you can to keep her comfortable. She would probably like to hear that you think that she has been a good mother to you.

Talk about some memories that both of you cherish. Tell her that her grandchildren love her. If she is a religious woman, talk with her about her faith. You can sing to her, even if you are not a great singer. Put your arms around her. Read cards from friends so she will know that she is not forgotten.

Unless there is a medical problem, you could rub lotion onto her hands and arms. Comb her hair, make sure her mouth is moistened. She might like something lovely to smell, such as a lavender sachet or a scented candle. Basically, just love on her.

It will be very important for her to know that her family is around her and that she is not alone. She may know she is dying and wants you to comfort her fears and to even give her permission to go. In the past, ombudsmen who work in our agency have simply sat by the bedside of a dying resident and held their hand. This is not a time for her to feel alone.

Question: I went to the nursing home to get my aunt’s belongs after she died and they wouldn’t give them to me. They said I didn’t have a legal right to them. I took care of her the whole time she was in there! Why did they do this?

Answer: The facility must give an accounting of the resident’s finances and refund any money in their account to the executor of the estate within 30 days of their death. No one else has access to this money. As for personal belongings, there are no specific rules, but any personal effects automatically become part of her “estate.” The facility may be holding both her money and her belongings for that person to come in. You might contact the executor and see what can be worked out.

Usually nursing homes are happy to have someone collect the personal effects of a resident as they have very little storage room for these.

 Question: I was visiting an old neighbor at our local nursing home last week when an aide came by and closed all of the doors. My neighbor said someone must have died and that staff doesn’t want the residents to know about it. She seemed quite upset by this. Why did they do this?

Answer: The reason behind such behavior is protective. The idea seems to be not only to respect the privacy of the family of the resident who died, but also to insulate the other residents from death. I think this practice has an unintended effect on many residents, an effect you observed in your friend. I think residents may feel that when someone dies, the death is handled so quickly and so “efficiently” that there are no emotions involved. Residents might wonder if their own lives have any significance if they can be disposed of so quickly, so anonymously, and without any acknowledgment.

When nursing homes openly acknowledge the death of a resident, when special memorial services are conducted, and when other residents are given the opportunity to “pay their respects” to a fellow resident, it gives everyone a feeling of significance and completion. It is important for staff members to be able to express their feelings as well. I know of a facility where a special decorative fountain is turned off for 24 hours when a resident passes away. This gives time for everyone to become aware of the death.

Your friend might want to bring this topic up at a Residents’ Council meeting. She can find out if other residents feel like she does about how their facility handles a death. You, along with other friends and family members, might want to work with Social Services or Activities to begin doing something different at this nursing home, something that would be more affirming than their current practice. Contact the facility ombudsman for help with this, too.

This column is presented as a public service of the Richmond Register and the Nursing Home Ombudsman Agency of the Bluegrass. The author is the agency’s executive director. If you have a question, send it to: Kathy Gannoe, Nursing Home Ombudsman, Agency of the Bluegrass Inc., 1530 Nicholasville Road, Lexington, KY 40503.

     

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